Monday, December 31, 2007

General update, with a guest appearance from the security guys, and my Asshole Neighbour

I was talking to one of the security guys the other day and he was bemoaning that so many of his friends and family go over to Thailand to whore it up on thier holidays. Because it's HARAM! Bitches! there was a pause in the conversation, and than he said "Suburban, we could make one Airline, call it HARAM-Air, we charter flights to Thailand. Except it's Haram to make money on Haram..." It was a pretty funny idea though.

I went home and was telling Stone about the idea, and he suggested maybe it wouldn't be so haram if we had a mobile clinic on the flights and tested for AIDS, and instead of inflight magazines we could have brochures detailing safe sex. I think it would still be haram, but maybe not a bad idea to offer some info, and maybe free condoms in the departures area of the airport. Hmmm...

The baby is sick, not dying or anything Just sick. According to the new Doc it's just your run of the mill bronchitis. Pleeeeassse God, Pleeease, make her better because it just kills me to watch her choking and gaging and struggling to breathe, and coughing all night.

We went to see the pediatrician today, the guy who has been holding the fort since the Scandinavian one left. As much as I try to like this newguy, and as much as I trust his judgement and his excellent credentials, he sort of rubs me the wrong way. I want to point out that I have an IQ of like 150 or so and am totally capable of understanding his super complex Dr. words, even when they have more than three syllables.

I don't mean to be hard on him... The poor guy is working his ass off, and as such doesn't really have time to concern himself with bedside manner. He's just trying to stay on top of his responsibilities. But, goddamn, I miss Dr.Hans. When he told me he was leaving Oman, I cried, because because other than Stone, he was the only person in the entire country who would laugh at my jokes, and liked to talk about cars (or perhaps I cried because I am crazy). Were he not all old and married, I would have asked him to father any future children I might have. Seriously, the english language lacks the words to describe the kind of love I had for our former Pediatrician.

Dr Hans has returned to his native land of Lingon berries and Ikea. I imaging him skiing right now, returning home to a toasty house with a fireplace, full of sleek Scandinavian furniture, Surrounded by his adoring family and loved ones, and enjoying his new job just fine, thank you very much. I wish he would come back, because my needs are more important than his right to have a happy life near his family. Obviously.

Which brings me to my Neighbours... I have resolved the school bus honking issue with the folks across the street, but there is a mysterious guy who lays on his horn for about three minutes every day around 12:00. I have never been able to figure out who it is because I am usually running to grab the screaming baby that woke up thanks to his honking. By the time I get out to the road, he's vanished. I call him... The Shadow...

Today was different. I happened to be in the front yard when the Shadow arrived, and began his customary honking routine. "I'll get you this time Shadow!"I yelled, and was out the front gate so fast that there are burn marks on the front yard tiles. Out of the gate, I look right, and there, across the street and one house down, sits The Shadow!!!!!!!!!!!

The Shadow sits, parked in front of his gate, leaning on the horn, and waiting for the house maid to work her way through the house, out the front door, so she can open the gate for him, so he can park his car inside.

You heard me right.... He is honking his horn, leaning on the thing, from the moment he arrives until the Housemaid starts to open the gate, because he is too lazy to get out of the car, walk through the people gate, and open the car gate himself. A task which would take him less than a minute to complete.

So I run over, and very politely introduce myself. The usual pleasantries are exchanged. The following is a rough translation of what happened next.

Me: Listen, I hate to trouble you, but do you think you could keep the honking to a minimum?
The Shadow: You Live in that house? All the way across the street? (our houses are about 30 m apart, Max)
Me: Yes, just over there. See my daughter tries to have a nap during the day, but your honking wakes her up.
The Shadow: So your house is not well furnished?
Me: Um, we have thick curtains and furniture and stuff... but the car horn is really loud. Maybe you could just honk once? Or your maid could leave the gate ready for you around noon? Or something...?...
The Shadow: Well... (heaves a sigh) I guess I can try to help you.
Me: I'd really appreciate that, Sorry for troubling you. thanks so much.

So we say our goodbyes, and that's that.

Next year I am moving to a better neighbourhood, like Detroit.


JP said...

Happy New Year Suburban!

I like the idea of a dedicated charter flight.

Even better would be to advertise such a trip and then publish the names of those who sign up for it. I can sort of sympathise with the single guys, it tough to have much fun here in Oman, and, well, even tougher to stay a virgin until you finally save up enough to get married.

But I'm amazed at the married Omani men who go to Thailand, without the family obviously, for sex. How does that conversation go? I know what my wife would say... something along the lines of 'thats fine, but there's no need to come back, you scumbag.'

How's Stone's research project going?

Anonymous said...

"The Shadow" - what a lazy prick. Seriously. I would rename him "The Dickhead". When he started on (and trying to embarrass you) asking about your furnishings (or lack of), maybe you could have countered with, "you know, they do make remote control gates, oh, but maybe they are too expensive for most people" paired with an innocent shrug and a pitying expression (or something else mean like that - Mwuahhahahahahaha!)

When I used to work shiftwork (6am finish), some bright spark would beeeeeeeeep for their friend at 9am on the weekends - the intercom was literally 3 metres from his car. After a few weekends of this I decided to calmly lob an egg from my second story balcony right on his back windscreen. Ha, he took off so fast and NEVER leaned on his horn in front of MY apartment building again. I'm still chuffed at what a great shot it was!

Anonymous said...

PS Hope your littlie gets better soon.

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year Suburban!
Aww I'm sorry about your dr but I am glad to hear he was Swedish :P and that you liked him. We rock!

Suburban said...

Thanks for the show of support guys. I was amazed that the guy was such an asshole, though trut to his word, his beeping has lessened in recent days.

Sous- Gotta love the swedish.

And the princess is back in fine form this week. Now I have the cold...