Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Open Letter to a small white car

Dear Small White Car,

We have to stop seeing each other like this. I just can't take it anymore. It's not personal, but sometimes in a relationship one party has to move on, or move aside, in your case.

As I cruised down the highway this morning, there you were again, impossibly thin tyres and sagging suspension, weaving down the middle lane at a whopping 70 kms. Your driver, a smallish man with terrified eyes and a white knuckled grip on the steering wheel, looks like he qualified for his lisence back in 1920, perhaps in some third world country where the preferred mode of transport is something slower. Like an Elephant, or maybe a sloth.

What are you doing in front of me? and how do you know when I am out on the roads? Every single time I go out, there you are, dwadling along, forcing traffic to part around you. It's like you are Moses, parting a sort of Muscat style Red sea.

Overtaking is of no use, because no sooner have I overtaken you, there you are in front of me again! How the hell do you do that? Do all white cars come standard with Star-Trek type teleporters, along with seventen hanging air fresheners and pre-bald tyres?

Please try to understand, it's not about you, it's about everyone else who's way you are impedeing. Please, I am begging you, small white car, Move over into the slow lane.

Kind Regards,

Suburban Muscat

P.S. And do something about that suspension.


Al-Maawali said...

LOOL! That's soo funny. I am glad I don't drive a white car.

Anonymous said...

Rather condescending of other nationalities aren't you?

Al-Maawali said...

Yo! Mr/Mrs anonymous, where did she condescend anybody?
. Funnyyy :D

Undercover Dragon said...

anon, are you the one in the middle lane? Get a sense of humour. Its a blog for Krisna's sake... And and if you want to get high and mighty about condescension to other nationalities, there's plenty of that in the official media.

Funny post!

Suburban said...

Al Maawali, Dragon,

Thanks. You guys rock.


Fuck off.

If you read the post, I made no mention of nationalities anywhere. No race, religion, creed or anything else is mentioned, and that's deliberate. Perhaps you are being condecending towards other nationalities?

I reccomend you pull that giant stick out of your ass, and focus on something important.

Kisses, Suburban.

RBG said...

Suburban! you racist! discriminating against cars of color.

how do you think that makes the non-white cars feel?


Per Your Request said...

Come on suburban! All you have to do is read in between the lines, and use your imagination and we all know who you’re talking about (Sarcasm). Is it me, or have people gotten a little bit sensitive lately?

L_Oman said...

Oh Suburban you - blowing kisses to those that really deserve it! HA.

Damn those white cars. Damn them to hell.

MMK080 said...

LoL, this the first time I find the comments page even funnier than the actual post (which was funny dont get me wrong) ...

"condescending of other nationalities?" is that used as some of kind of maxim or deeper meaning? something like, there will always be a person who will misinterpret what u say even if it is as clear as day what u r saying and that one has to always keep that in mind?

I always love it when someone raises the racism card (even if it is completely unwarranted, like here) then it will be like opening a can of worms... everyone will forget what the discussion was about and concentrate on the racism issue... it's quite hilarious.

Having said that though, I think the small white car was acting the way it did because it has issues with its size... I bet it got bullied in highschool cuz it was small and pale white... poor thing is probably just acting out.

*and back to revision mode*

Anonymous said...

sure, other nationalities weren't mentioned at all. but since an elephant got in there, is that why most locals (like you, possibly) act like a camel race on the roads? moody, angry and ready to race each other off the road?

Suburban said...

RBG, PYR, L_Oman, and MMK,

I would hug you all right now, except it would be sort of akward. Thanks for having my back.


Peter? Is that you? I'm doing an article on your esteemed employer in a couple of weeks.

About your comment. Now I get it. It's about the Elephant.

Because when I think of Elephants, I think of.... Slow Moving Land Animals! and then I think of Africa! and the Central Park Zoo! and Disney Movies!

But when other people think of elephants, they think of India, or maybe Sri Lanka.

Am I right here? So I was being Racist and discriminating against our guests from the Sub continent because I could not accurately predict how other people would percive an elephant?

Also, to compare local driving to Camels is doing s great disservice to Camels.

We are more like a herd of young horses, hyped up on crack. But thanks for the input buttercup.

sythe said...


Terrified eyes... yes! Brilliant!

anonymous, you do know that driving at 70 in free-moving traffic on a highway in the middle lane is actually a traffic offense? Look it up you dumb fuck, its called an obstruction, and its actually VERY dangerous.

As for Omani drivers, I sometimes wonder if they remove the indicators from the sides of their steering wheels because "those sticks just get in the way when i cruiiiise baby". I'm fairly confident I could buy a 5 year old corolla off an Omani (if it's still running) and be the first person to ever use the indicator.

Sub, you're a comedy gold mine :)

L_Oman said...

Sythe - you said:
As for Omani drivers, I sometimes wonder if they remove the indicators from the sides of their steering wheels because "those sticks just get in the way when i cruiiiise baby".

I said: Frick (I'm leaving the F-bombs to Suburban), they don't even know the friggin' sticks are indicators.

And to the haters, I'm married to an Omani, so I can hate if I wanna.

Anonymous said...

i ain't no peter, but thanks for your reply. well, maybe you weren't being racist in your heart of hearts - but put together the 'smallish man', 'third world country' and of course, the reference to the pachyderm, and i don't know what else people would think of. even PYR read between the lines, and mr. undercover dragon says "for krishna's sake" (what else would have made him say that?)

no one is dying to raise the racism card here, but there's no denying that this isn't the first time i've heard or read a general derisive tone by Omanis when referring to certain other nationlities living here.

i wasn't talking to you - so stop calling people names, u twat. no one was denying that it's a traffic offence

sythe said...

If it looks like a rock, smells like a rock, feels like a rock, sounds like a rock and acts like a rock, then surely its a rock? no?

The vast majority of bad drivers that I encounter here in Muscat are, or appear, to be of Indian or Sri Lankan decent. Its not a racist comment, its a fact.

Apologies for calling you a name, fuck face. =)

Anonymous said...

sure, that's why way more locals die in road accidents than indians do... but oh wait, the man doing 70 km in the middle lane is causing them all right??

so shut up, dickhead

Suburban said...

Wow. Summer is here.

L-Oman, you go! You can Hate all you want!

Sythe, Good to see you bud, WHen I Cruuuise baby! hilarious.

Anon, Thanks for stopping by. FYI: Omani guys are often really short too. Old guys are in general short, becuase they are all stooped over.

Everybody, thanks for the highly entertaining comments. I've loved it.

For the record, this post was inspired by a recent drive from the airport to Qurum, where no matter how many times I overtook this non descript white car, it would always appear back in front of me a minute later, with totally different occupants. Like a poltergeist.

The drivers were, in No particular order

An old sudanese guy with his wife

six indian guys, all wearing cowboy hats (WTF???)

An old Omani man, who was looking UNDER the steering wheel to see the road ahead

two different Euro-Tourists who were obviously following directions from the airport that went like "get on the motorway and whatever you do stay in the middle lane until you get past the flyover that looks like something from the game mousetrap"

Two Pakistani or maybe one Pakistani and an Afghani in a clapped out ruwi Special loaded with buckets of paint.

two youngish Omani guys, possibly Joyriding in thier dad's old Camry. They looked terrified.

I really tried not to corner a specific nationality here because the thing that was uproariously funny was that It really seemed like the SAME WHITE CAR. It was about the car.

Undercover Dragon said...

I also hate the white cars. But in the interests of objectivity, this week I'll keep track of the numbers: how many Omani, Subcontinent, Euro. Let the numbers speak!

Funny as always Sub'