Thursday, August 14, 2008

Context free Highlights from posts I won't be publishing

This post contains some profanity, Adult topics, and refrences to drug use. If you are uncomfortable with any of these, don't read it. Tomorrow, local news. Maybe.

It was to the bathtub that my attention was immediately drawn, because inside it is none other than MR. Very Important Jordanian Journalist Who Can't Type, and two moroccan hookers. Naked. His entire torso covered with icky black hair that looks like a wet, dirty sweater. I oppologise, and leave. I feel really sad for the hookers. Helluva party though.

No matter how many ways I explain it, The Juice refuses to belive that I cannot just "Call Bill Gates" and that No, the American Embassy won't have his mobile number. Sheikh X told him that Bill Gates reads every single email and that he'd be totally happy to fiance whatever project we have in mind. I need to call X, stat.

Because the only crazy people we have here are government employees, and they're crazy in the pathetic way, not the entertaining way.

Doug is leaning out of the bathtub, drunk as hell, attempting to snort another line from the lid of the toilet seat. Cut to a year later, four AM. Doug's at my door, he needs a place to stay because he's too fucked up to drive. He's telling me how he's cleaned up and working for a chef for the rich and famous, how he totally has his shit together. He climbs into bed and asks if I mind if he smokes, and I say go for it, thinking cigarettes, or maybe pot. He pulls out a glass pipe and fires up a load of Shibu, pure crystal meth. I rollover and go back to sleep. Cut to five years later, and he's dead. Motorcycle accident, he ran into a pole. Everything I know about cooking I learned from him, Everything I know about work ethic, I learned from him, a lot of what I know about men, human nature, and what it really menas to live above reproach, I learned from him. What a waste.

After much consternation, and having given the matter some thought, the only conclusion that Stone and I can reach is that people who shop at Whole Foods have really small dicks.

Also, I am feeling much happier today, despite the fact that the Jeep is in the shop again. Thanks for all the moral support on the comments. Sometimes you just need to vent.


Muscato said...

Yikes! It's a cliché, I know, but S., you should write a book! With recipes.

Where did Omanis get the idea that all Americans can get directly in touch with Bill Gates?

Leo Americanus said...

These are really fantastic. The "Doug" part reminds me, at the same time, of Shantaram and "Parenthood" where the guy comes to his dad and says, "I need $30,000 or they're going to kill me." I have often wondered which of my friends will end up at my door at 4 AM in a pouring rain saying the same thing.