Saturday, June 6, 2009

Spam from the lovelorn, and some advice.

Does anybody else get spammy love notes like this courtesy of random trolls searching facebook / tagged / blogger? The note below came from Tagged, a program I signed up for accidentally. There's not even a profile photo.
Hope life treat u good,,

I'm half Omani man :-).. I lived most of my life outside Oman,,,,i'm
back now 2 Muscat.. I love everything beautiful in this life, accepting life in
all its glory and despair., Live for Love and die for it... I like to enjoy
every second of my life and make it the best moment if i could.. i'm single and
looking for a place for my heart :-).

I would like to know u and hope if we can be in touch..


Don't get me wrong, it's a sweet note, very respectful. I note the generally good spelling, something your correspondant could attempt herself of more often. But... Spell check or not, this is not a successfull strategy for picking up chicks.

  • because I don't know you, at all.
  • Because the only thing you know about me, apparently, is that I am female.
  • If your only criteria for a potential girlfriend is that she has a vagina, your standards are worryingly low.
  • Because if you have to resort to messaging random women who you don't know in order to get a date, you're likely not worth dating.

So, Mr, Lonley, If you want to get a nice and smart girlfriend, one who will stick around, and might eventually sleep with you or become your wife and have your babies, read on...

First you need a car. The car should not have any teddy bears or inflatable hearts on the parcel shelf or hanging from the rearview mirror. Likewise, your car should not have any stickers depicting calvin pissing on anything, or badly spelled slogans across the back "Bad Bayyyzz" "Rasing Teem Oman" etc...

Second, Buy and use an analog wrist watch. Practice being on time. Being on time is sexy.

Next, you need to start by looking in the paces girls are, and in environments where you can talk to them in the course of doing your job without coming across as a desperate weirdo.

  • Take your little cousins to the park to play on the playground, model good behavior.
  • Take riding lessons, hang around the stables.
  • Get a job or an internship in retail somewhere that the kind of girls you are interested in hang out. Bowling alley, grocery store, Porche service department, Chinese Massage joint etc..
  • Be a Volunteer Organizer at beach cleanups, fundrisers, charity walks, etc..

Now that you have strategically positioned yourself in the vicinity of your sort of girls, try to be the sort of guy you would want your sister to date. Seriously, if you wouldn't be ok with your mom or your sister checking out a guy who is acting / dressing like you, then you are doing it wrong.

  • Don't spend too much time on your hair, we don't want a man who takes longer than we do to get ready.
  • Don't wear one of those stupid-ass fedoras / bowlers that are so popular with the Shabab these days.
  • Don't wear a super tight Tshirt / jeans to show off your muscles / package. We like modesty in a man. And it's just gross.
  • Don't show off your flash Iphone, or other gadget.
  • No Posing. We can tell. You're working / organising / riding, remember?

OK, so you're in the right place, doing something that gives you an excuse to speak to girls, and looking like the sort of guy we might want to see naked. Now you have to act like the sort of guy we might want to get naked with. This is the hard part. Whatever you do, don't appear to eager / keen / desperate. You'll scare us off straight away.

  • Make Eye Contact, when you speak to us.
  • Give a Big, Genuine smile. Practice in front of the mirror so it doesn't look creepy.
  • When you speak to girls, especially here, your early interactions really really really need to be strictly business. "Welcome to McDonalds, Can I take your order?" or "Here is a trash bag for the beach clean up, do you have enough water?" or "I see your porche has a scratch, would you like that repaired as well?"
  • Smile, and without giving them any creepy lingering stares, shut the fuck up and move on to the next thing, be that fetching a cheeseburger, untacking your horse, or driving thier car away for an oil change.
  • Stay busy with whatever it is you are supposedly doing. You are a busy and confident guy, so act like it.
  • Don't ask our name, our number, or anything else the first time you see us. We'll be back if we like you.
  • You'll be able to tell if we are interested, procede with caution.

OK, so now you sort of know some women. You see them once or twice a week at work or social things, you have something in common, she thinks you are cute, and you have given her your phone number or she's given you yours.

  • Women are creeped out by guys who come on to strong. So don't act like a stalker and call us all the time, don't send 20,000 forwarded text messages
  • If she doesn't call you back, after you have called once and sent one text message, forget it and move on.
  • Don't buy us a gift on the first date. It's sweet, but desperate.
  • Don't ever buy stupid stuffed teddy bears.
  • Do pay for dinner or juice.
  • Let her meet your family. The best first date I ever went on I met up with the guy and a bunch of his cousins and siblings (Male and Female) for fattayer at Mermaid. Fifth date I met his Mom, tenth date we kissed.
  • Do interesting stuff on dates, take her fishing, take her to the indoor rock climbing, take her ice skating, Take her to Cafe Cermique'.

If none of this works, remember that you are in Oman, and Dating is hard and not part of the culture here. Also, if your friends or family wouldn't approve of who you are dating, you shouldn't be doing it because they won't let you marry her either. Trust me.

OK. I'm bored with this. Additional advice is welcomed and encouraged in the comments section. More from here as it happens.


TI3GIB said...

Doesn't work.

MMK080 said...

Aaah Sub, good to see you back to form. I thought this post was as great as the Suburban posts I am used to.

With regards to any advice to that lonely desperate guy, I have this to say; play video games... there is nothing hotter than a man playing a video game designed for kids. The ladies cannot resist that... Tell him about that Sub.

On a serious note though. A sense of humor cannot hurt. witty, not clown humor. I like self deprecating humor I find it comes naturally to me.

Sangeetha Sridhar said...

This is hilarious:n what a tactic to ward off the evil!! Bravo!

Angry In Oman said...

Here's a tip for men:

Don't ever smell like anything other then soap, deoderant and a single spritz of cologne.

Stinkiness is gross and will not get women into bed or down the aisle, whatever the objective is.

Great blog Sub-a-roo!

kareem said...

some are right some are crap

Jawahir Jewels (JJ) said...

heheh :-) nice blog, and join the club as far as the wacked emails and declarations of love go...